Regarding Remembering My Salvation.
by Chris Kamalski
I feel emotionally and tangibly removed from my salvation through Christ. Cognitively I believe at the most profound level that I have been redeemed and restored in Christ (and possibly an even deeper part of my soul feels like I need to justify this belief to myself and to others, after all, I have been at this now for over 16 years!). And yet there is an equally deep (confusing, wishing things were different) portion of my soul that simply does not have the radical ‘My life was dark, and now it is filled with light’ sort of conversion experience.
What precipitates this pondering is a journal assignment we were given for Check-In this morning in which we were to sit with and recall (even emotionally, in some sense) what it was like to be saved. That question alone raises a number of other issues for me (Is salvation a point or a journey of process? Is there a sense in which I am ‘being saved daily?’), let alone the somewhat disturbing reality that often, I simply am not emotionally overwhelmed with my transfer from darkness into light.
Maybe this is a function of the limits of Evangelical language that I was raised so beautifully within. I remain grateful particularly for the community of people that I grew up with, as many faithful people ‘went before me’ in shaping me into the person I am becoming today. However, as the years pass by technical, theological words like redemption, justification, and propitiation seem to lose a sense of wonder and meaning in the midst of what is hopefully an increasingly relational journey of restoration that I am on with Christ. Maybe I long for the relational connection more than the cognitive reality that I am justified before God through the blood of Christ? Not seeking to deny this reality, a deep part of my soul longs for something more–For Christ’s presence to fill me, for the Spirit’s hand to walk with mine, for Abba’s tenderness to shape my character more fully.
I want relationship, not theological reality. I want a deep experience that is grounded within a cognitive, emotional, intellectual, theological reality–and yet remains fully experience. I don’t simply want feeling or consolation, and I really don’t wish for further hiding from my true self before God.
I want God.