When I Try To Become God.

by Chris Kamalski

Two crazy notes about Sunday (November 1st) before a brief realization that is developing in my heart as we live our last few weeks together as a community during this Apprenticeship year:

  • This Sunday will mark 9 months to the day that I have lived in South Africa.
  • This Sunday will also mark 3 weeks that I have left in South Africa this year.

As you can likely imagine, life has cranked up a few levels on the crazy-meter these past few weeks, and upon listening to everyone describing what is in front of them in this short window of time that we have left, there is a collective sense that we are all barely treading water, as well as attempting the impossible in terms of the momentous ‘To-Do Lists’ staring back at us.  This has led to a series of breakdowns, desiring to withdraw, and fighting against the inevitable grieving process that comes with any sort of transition. The major ‘A-Ha!’ that I’ve awakened to this week is the simple realization that

I AM NOT GOD.

Oh how I seek to be God-like whenever I am faced with a transitionary moment, whether it is finally seeking to catch up on emails or clean my room prior to vacation, or to finish every project that I’ve had in the back of my mind that will allow me to say goodbye to everyone well, or to set up these next few months at home in California in a way in which I can meet the needs of every friend and family member whom I’ve been apart from this past year.

This desire to be God-like is actually not like God, I have to admit. I cannot be all things to all people, particularly as I am faced with the emotional turmoil of leaving! To quote the Simon & Garfunkel song ‘The Only Living Boy In New York,’ “Half of the time we’re gone but we don’t know where, we don’t know where.”

May we be present to what we can–what we cannot–what we should–what we should not be about, particularly in seasons of grief and leaving.

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